Writings

Jezebel Waiting in the Wings

The following was inspired by this tweet, and the kerfuffle that erupted around it.

From: The Elders of the Ten Northern Tribes of Israel

To: The Prophet Elijah

Dear Elijah,

The purpose of this letter is to express our dismay at the harsh condemnations you have directed of late towards the person of Her Royal Highness, Queen Jezebel. While we certainly understand and appreciate your passion for Yahweh and His righteousness, a passion we all share, we cannot help but deplore your recent foray into politics.

We are of the opinion that, in these troubled times, the Prophets of God should be striving for unity, and emphasizing those things that will bring this nation together. And we find plenty to celebrate with the presence of Jezebel in our midst.

Indeed, your criticism of the Queen unfortunately says more about you than it does about her. Obviously you have trouble with women in positions of power. Frankly, we feel that this kind of misogyny has no place in the life of a man of God, and we encourage you examine your heart on this matter.

Not only that, but your frequent attacks against her reveal in you an ugly spirit of xenophobia. You should be rejoicing that a Phoenician immigrant has been able to achieve such a high position within our nation – one heartbeat from the throne, so to speak. Instead, you constantly tear her down. To be blunt: we’re troubled that you would treat a fellow image-bearer with such racist rhetoric.

Then there’s the matter of how you are spreading conspiracy theories with regard to Queen Jezebel’s so-called involvement in the unfortunate Naboth affair. Not content to drag the name of the Queen through the mud, you have also implied – without a shred of evidence, we might add – that some of our number may have been involved. This “fake news” has been consistently fact-checked by researchers of our own choosing, and shown to be utterly false. If you insist on repeating these wild accusations we will be obliged to take legal action.

But let’s suppose that Jezebel were somehow involved in Naboth’s death. Would that be such a bad thing? Everybody knows that the large landowners represent an oppressive ruling class in this society. In stead of refusing to obey our God-ordained authorities, Naboth should have gotten on board with a progressive land-redistribution program. So perhaps, since the power of persuasion failed to convince a stubborn Naboth, it was necessary for Jezebel to use the persuasion of power. That being the case, we say “more power to her!”

As you read this letter, which is written in a spirit of love, we hope that you will come to your senses and bring your words more in line with how a dignified prophet of God should speak. Perhaps then you will be able to be a true witness to Queen Jezebel, winning her over with kindness.

Sincerely,

The Undersigned Elders

PS. We are informed that you currently find yourself on the run from royal forces. This comes as no surprise, seeing as how you killed 400 of Jezebel’s priests after your little theatrical display on Mount Carmel. Is it any wonder she is upset at you? This whole thing is really your fault, and, as a servant of Yahweh, you should have the humility to see this and change your ways before it is too late.

__________

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